I was going to write an insightful and inspiration post for you. I was going to post it early, the weekend before Christmas, because you and I probably need some support in staying on the health path during Christmas and New Years.
But I can’t do it. Not today. And probably not tomorrow either.
I wanted to put a smile on my face and tell you that I’ve got all the answers. I wanted to be able to tell you that all of my hard work has paid off and I have the magic formula.
But I don’t.
I’ve put in a lot of hard work on my physical and mental health. That work has helped me to support myself and allowed my body to heal enough to continue doing meaningful work and many of the activities that I enjoy. I’m eternally grateful for that and I don’t think any of that work was wasted. But today I’m lost and the thought of coming up with something insightful and inspirational for you is overwhelming.
When I originally daydreamed of writing this blog I wanted to share the solutions, the answers, and my strength with you. Not only that, I also wanted to share with you my fears, my struggles and my weak moments so you would know you’re not alone. My hope was that we could draw strength from each other. Even though I know that the goal is to share the good and bad, and even though I know it’s not helpful to you or I, I feel internal pressure only to share my bravery, my progress, and my answers.
But that just isn’t reality. The healing journey is not a straight line. The magic formula is a myth. Every body is different and requires different interventions.
The last month I haven’t been sleeping well. I’ll fall asleep and then wake at 3am, 4am, 5am, and 6am, waking up as exhausted as I fell asleep. I’ve been feeling anxious, the weight of dread sitting on my chest. When I wake up I cringe at the thought of starting the day because I’m exhausted and overwhelmed.
I thought this was happening because in November I really struggled with restricting the foods my body is sensitive to. I left the path that I knew would keep me as healthy as possible. But for the last few weeks I’ve been doing all the right things (restricting the foods I’m sensitive to, eating Autoimmune Protocol approved foods, trying to sleep, gently exercising, doing my best to reduce my stress) and I’m still struggling. I’m doing everything I know to do on my own with little progress so I’ve scheduled an appointment with a provider who will hopefully help me to figure out what’s going on.
Until then, I’m not going to pressure myself to be anything I’m not. Right now I’m a mess and even though it’s incredibly difficult, it’s ok! As Glennon Melton Doyle, one of my favorite authors, would say life is “brutiful”, beautiful and brutal all in one.
I’m letting go. I’m letting go of the façade of perfection. I’m letting go of the myth of knowledge. I’m letting go of the pressure of progress.
I don’t have to pretend that I’m ok. I don’t have to pressure myself to do more. I can sit here, in this moment, and focus on feeding my soul instead of on putting on a performance. I can accept that it’s ok if I’m not making progress (although that’s a hard one for me to internalize). I can admit that I don’t have all the answers. I can let go. And eventually when I make progress (which I will!) I can share that with you, too.
In the meantime, I would love to hear how you feed your soul in hard times. What do you do that nourishes your heart when you’re struggling?